Monday, December 26, 2011

Insert Mundane Holiday-ish Thing Here.

I feel unbearably trapped still... No internet. I have my phone, of course, but it's not the same. Crashy apps, and such... I doubt most people in my life would understand why internet access means so much to me, but I'm really not joking when I say that it's my life -- or rather, my main connection to the world outside my bedroom. Most of the people around don't care that I exist. I have friends online. And right now, I really hate being away from them. I can text some people, but not all... It's the anxiety that makes it feel a million times worse than it should. But with anxiety comes depression, and with that... drinking heavily in the afternoons to keep the blades at bay. (It doesn't really work, but I pretend it does.) I don't recognize my life anymore. I think I mostly just can't remember it. I don't think I want to. I used to be happy, I think... maybe.

Anyway... the holidays are here, and things have been rougher this year than last, despite the slight increase in pay. (Though now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure I earned more last December. Retail has its perks...) The choice in our house was electricity or cable/internet. Gifts this year were few, and relatively inexpensive. I probably bought the most expensive things, and they were simple, basic $20 sweaters for my mom. I still have bills to pay, but I've been putting them off again... I found out late last night that my mom's cousin and her children had next to nothing... No tree, or gifts, and little food...

Imagine my fury when I woke up to find little pre-teens whining about not getting an iphone this year. And hearing about a father who would actually rather see his children starve than pay child support. So forgive me if I seem a bit more subdued than usual. I already hate the "holiday season," but with everyone around me screaming about how we should "be merry and have cheer!!!", my main phrase this week is pretty much "shut the fuck up before I shove those fuzzy socks up your ass."

I know, just a bundle of joy, am I not? Anyway... This year was rather uneventful, compared to last. There was an awkward phone conversation with my father, first time I've heard his voice in months, but that was about it. I suppose he's learned not to drop by unnanounced and expect to wisk my siblings off to his manor for the week. That would be a first. But they're both over 18 now. He can't force them to do anything.

I'm debating whether starting the new year blitzed out of my mind is a new tradition worth starting. If I can't remember the fuck-ups of last year, surely I won't repeat them next? Sounds like a plan. I'll be alone in my bedroom either way, same as always. But this upcoming year I want to save money and travel - whether to California (where I might like to meet with a certain someone) or to Orlando to visit Hogwarts (because Hogwarts is my home). And hopefully STK will come along (willingly. Darling, I'd hate to have to kidnap you, but if I have to tell your boss you're leaving on a quest to find the grail and you suspect Lord Voldemort has hidden a bit of his soul in it, I will. I mean it. You're coming.)

Right, well I'm sure you've had enough of my rambling for one night. I suppose I have too. I need to do laundry, but I suppose I'll have to make do with what's already clean... [sigh] Goodnight then.

No comments: