Monday, September 5, 2011

Fuck Logic. And using complete sentences. And having a point.

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I feel like this is the part of the evening when I'm supposed to say something profound. Or rant about the insanity that is growing up in a hostile, heteronormative, cissexist, classist, racist fucking world where I'm supposed to believe that "things will get better but lol fuck logic just sit tight and wait for it." And I could talk about how I feel so utterly fucked up right now and how I don't even remember who I'm supposed to be anymore because it changes every second of every day... and Slytherin Yuppie Kiely is back with a vengeance. Elitist snob. (Well, really, when have I ever been anything but? The Dark Angel of Death. That's how it started. Princess of Hell itself... I wanted to master Death, then. I wanted more than anything to belong to Death, to make Death belong to me. There was a demon, a devil. My father. It was the strangest of nightmares, but I think I understand it better now that he's gone... Really. All of this started from some crazy dream I had during my parents' divorce. Well, just before it. My father's pretty much always been an abusive fucking bastard. And Kiely [pronounced like Kylie, not Keely] is an Irish/Celtic name, typically a surname but obviously also a first name too. Though I use an Australian transcription for pronunciation... I don't really want to go into all of my reasons for picking that name, mostly because I'm not entirely sure what they are, but yeah. So there, you have the story of my pseudonym and alter ego. Nightmare of a suicidal, depressed, and somewhat delusional, lonely teenager.) Still, I was raised to be a princess of sorts, and apparently somewhere on my mother's side is "royal blood," so...) anyway, I digress from my utter lack of a point. Seems a tad redundant, I know. Or something like that.

You'll have to forgive me. I haven't been sleeping well. I haven't had anything to drink tonight, or all week if I remember, but I still feel... fucked up. Out of my head. Better out of it than in it, I suppose...Which, if you were wondering, is why I spend so much time on Tumblr instead of dealing with the real world, or even writing here. It's almost like a support group. Well, in a lot of ways it is one... And even when I have absolutely nothing to say, I don't have to worry about not having anything to share. I just reblog. And boom, connections are made. Though then you also have days when you feel like shit because no one cares and you KNOW that no one cares, but whatever. What else is new. I'm having an interesting time reconnecting with old friends anyway. At least, the ones who have always mattered... and in some ways I'd like to think I've always mattered to them too.

Speaking of Tumblr, Hunger Games. I'd rather spend a million nights reading about dystopian societies than living one more day in this fucked up world. We are the Capitol. If you haven't a clue what I'm talking about, I'd seriously suggest reading this trilogy. (Despite what you may have heard, it is not anything like fucking Twilight, it is NOT about a love triangle though yes there is one in it, and it is ABSOLUTELY NOT about some weak little girl who cries over boys who don't love her the way she wants them to. Katniss is amazing and a worthy heroine. Katniss is INCREDIBLE. But ANYWAY...) Once you get around to it... The Capitol.  Everything we shouldn't be. Everything we are. Why are we so utterly fucked up? Or is it just me?

You know what I was thinking earlier? About all of this supposed brilliance I'm told I have. Where the fuck is it hiding now, that I can't think straight enough to write anymore. I don't think it ever really existed. But my biggest problem yet - I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know. And it's fucking me up. I just... exist.

Fuck logic.

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