Friday, April 23, 2010

tired but mini-rant

typing this from my ipod, so please forgive the lack of caps. have work in a few hours, but i'm kind of freaked out, like i'm about to have a panic attack... today is going to hurt like hell, but it's what i need, so... if this is what it takes...

anyway, news on the healthcare front - it might not work out financially, despite the cbo's earlier analysis. disheartening, to say the least. i don't know what's going to happen, but it can't be good. this law was our start to a brighter future. we need to finish it. but the country has been dragged so far right that the voices of progressives are always being drowned out... what disgusts me even more is that i can't help but notice how much the social landscape has changed since the bush era, or even clinton. it's weird that i'm not old enough to remember past that. facebook especially is creeping me out. i guess it just made it easier to realize how many complete jerks you know, from those who advocate rape and torture, to those who "like" pages about murder and death threats, to those who advocate hatred and violence. i was thinking yesterday about how i used to be naive like that... the whole us vs them mentality was all there was to the world; that because i don't like something, or i think it will have a negative effect on me, it can't possibly be good for anyone else or have any redeeming qualities... to think that i used to watch fox, before i realized consequently how little i really knew about the world, how much there still is to know. back when i was a naive little anarchist rebel without a cause... i never really knew what that meant. what was i fighting for? i can't even remember. it was then that i declared i was a communist, trapped in the fascist police state that is the catholic school system (which it totally is, lol). i wanted to show the world what real freedom was... but have i ever really known real freedom?  and to think that i know people who still think so childishly like that, & believe the entire world should revolve around their own idea of morality, that because it conflicts with their worldview it can't be allowed to exist, even if that will hurt or continue to hurt others. so naive, stubborn, egocentric, childish... ignorant. though when did i become so old? when did i give up punk rock? i know that i've grown up so much since those days... god i was so naive back then... in so many ways. and people think i'm shy and quiet now... though if there was anything i would want to tell my 15yr old self, it's to never let ANYONE get in your way of happiness. those who will stand by you, those who will never betray you, those are the people to keep by your side. do not trust anyone but yourself- your heart and your mind are your greatest weapons. (also, never send a suicide note by email if you can't actually go through with it 5 minutes after you hit send. it doesn't work out well, and ends up being the one thing you can never forgive someone else for sharing and permanently destroying your trust and in a lot of ways your friendship, even though you'll try very hard over the next few years to forgive and forget. you will eventually, for a short time, but you shouldn't.)

the fact that politics has become such a huge part of our social discourse is both a blessing and a curse. you can see who your friends really are on the inside. apparently some of mine are rude, insensitive, racist jerks. so thank you, facebook. i think when i get home today i will likely end up finishing at least one of the posts i've been working on. you know, being nice to people you don't like. to some extent, no more. i'm tired of rude and inconsiderate people in my life. i'm tired of fighting. i'm tired of tea party morons (the guy on the daily show was a nice change of pace) and repub vs democrats and independents lumped in with conservatives. i am not a conservative, and while i believe everyone is certainly entitled to their own beliefs, i personally find a lot of conservative viewpoints to be quite sickening. mostly because they're often so unbelievably hypocritical or just downright cruel. whatever. (deja vu all of a sudden... have i done this before? did i forget something?) i'm tired of keeping people in my life when i find them to be more annoying and draining than anything else. one thing i've been trying to figure out is telling someone i can no longer stand to just fuck off, without causing a major fiasco. everything with this person feels like a fiasco. there are too many people who drive me crazy, even without the craziness of politics in the picture. and if that means i have to be a bitch to get my life back, so be it.

well, now i feel slightly better, & i'm exhausted... random rants always help i suppose. will i regret this in the morning? likely not. i've given up caring for lent. good night.

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