Saturday, October 1, 2011

"No one is immune from criticism." Especially not Dan Fucking Savage. #LGBT

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Yo. I know right, two posts in two days! What's the world coming to?? Anyway, I'm getting annoyed with myself for writing up all these ranty things and never publishing them, so for a while I'll queue up some things... starting with this. Long story short, I kind of got into a... an argument with someone I sort of considered a "friend" over something a prominent asshat said, and I needed to rage. And I couldn't share it here because that person would have seen it. So instead of publishing it anywhere, I talked it over with Wifey... Anyway, it's been a few months, I no longer give a shit what that person thinks of me (because they haven't the first clue about who I am), and what I said is still relevant. And probably angry, because this is a subject I talk about often...

I mentioned the Dan Savage thing already, right? That's what this is about. Or rather, that's what started this.

Here goes:

This is a rant. Just need/want to get it out. I would typically keep this to my regular blog, but due to various circumstances...

"Dan, when it comes to bisexuality, you are wrong. You are wrong about bisexuals, you are wrong to treat us the way you do and you are certainly wrong to treat our outrage as some sort of childish tantrum." -- [via]
"People who have a problem with bisexuals do not get to define whether or not their actions are biphobic. " [same article, same author,  from his comment here]

Now that I'm a little bit calmer than last night (and I say a little bit because the more I think about this, the more annoyed I get) -

This part is directed at a personal conversation. Not on Tumblr, but I just want to get it out instead of getting into a public fight about it. 
[Who the fucking hell are you to tell me how to live, or tell me who I can or can't dislike for the things they continue to say about "people like me"? If you agree with them, whatever, that's your deal, but I don't. And there are thousands more who agree with me. And I will continue to fucking fight their idiotic, bigoted ideas whenever the fucking hell I please. Stick up for them if you want to, it's always up for debate, but do NOT fucking tell me that my views are invalid because you think you know my life story. You know nothing about me or what I think or how I feel.
You do not get to dictate how I live, how any person gets to live their life. You are not the authority on LGBT issues, or bisexuality. Just because YOU can live a certain way does NOT mean we all have to "follow [your] shining example." And Dan Savage does not fucking know shit.]

For someone who created the It Gets Better campaign, you would really think he'd know better. "It Gets Better - for everyone but you, whiny butthurt bisexuals. Until you come out as gay or straight." -- to paraphrase.

Yes, Dan does GREAT things for the LGBT community. Even if it's mostly the G part. No one is denying that. But the biggest problem is, he's supposed to be a high-profile "expert," the advocate, and "enlightened mentor." Prominent, influential LEADER. People refer to him as a LEADER in the LGBT community and rights movement. That's what he TRIES to be. He has authority, he has a voice. THIS is why these things piss me off so much. He is in a position of power - he has the audience, the means, the clout, the ability to reach a large audience and influence thousands (if not more). He is someone who speaks for the community. And for someone who claims to support equality to constantly belittle and mock and bastardize LGBT+ groups, especially in a public forum, is just plain hypocritical and wrong. As someone said about this issue, you're either for equality or you aren't.

tl;dr - Dan Savage is a condescending, privileged asshat with a history of ignorant, biphobic, trans-phobic, anti-asexual, fat-phobic, sexist, sometimes racist, bigoted, self-important remarks, who claims to be super supportive and all for equality and tolerance but clearly is not. Yeah, he's done a lot of good, but he does A LOT of harm as well. And I have every fucking right to call him out on it. He's taken a personal grudge against a bi ex and generalized it into a mini-vendetta against all multisexuals. And people believe he's right. It's exactly because of the crap he says that makes it so hard for people to accept us, and makes it harder for us to come out. Maybe I should reword that - he is perpetuating the harmful stereotypes and slurs that

I love the IGB project (even though I do also think that it's not entirely perfect either), but at this point it's pretty much all done by everyday people anyway, not him. So no, I will not fucking sing the praises of Dan Savage. I do not think he's someone to be unquestioningly admired or put up on a pedestal the way he has been. He's human and flawed just like the rest of us. He does NOT always know what he's talking about. His word is NOT law. He's a glorified advice columnist, not an actual expert. Again, I'm not denying that he's done quite a lot of good. But he's also been an unapologetic bully, and to deny that does just as much harm as the bullshit he says.  It's never too late to change. So Dan, I'll be waiting for the day when you realize just how wrong you are and how wrong you've been, and apologize to the many people you've truly hurt. Because unlike you apparently, I believe in forgiveness, and acceptance. Oh, and not assuming that my experiences and worldview are the center of the universe.

Dan - There's a huge fucking difference between being snarky and being an asshat. Learn it.

In addition to all of that -: Do you know who it is that benefits the most from Dan Savage and things like the It Gets Better Project? Do you have any idea who organizations like HRC and GLAAD, and their campaigns like marriage equality and adoption tout and promote and benefit the most? White cis monosexual upper middle class, for the most part. Privilege.

It's not as easy as they would like to think. Maybe some people can afford to move to neighborhoods where they'll be accepted. Maybe some people can afford to risk losing their job and livelihood by coming out. Maybe some people can risk being kicked out of their homes because they can support themselves or find help if they need it. Not everyone is that lucky, or privileged. To shrug it all of with an "It gets better, so just sit tight," or  is actually pretty awful advice that gives the pretense of caring without ever actually having to do anything. Are you REALLY that oblivious and self-centered that you don't or can't realize that not everyone's life will be like yours? Guess what - for some people, it DOESN'T get better. And for some people, being closeted is a sucky option but it's the best. Not everyone has a life of sunshine and rainbows and never-ending wealth to fall back on when everything falls to shit. Pressuring others to come out because YOU think it's the "cool" thing to do, because YOU think everything will be perfect in someone else's life, is utterly selfish, rude, presumptuous. You are not an authority on anyone's life but your own, so please shut the fuck up and mind your own business.

All I can say to those on the other side of this - when you're ready. Not when someone else is ready for you to be. Fuck them. This isn't about them and what they want; this is about YOU. No one knows your life better than you do.

So while we all fight for those marriage equality and other middle class issues, never forget the DREAM Act, and ENDA, and other things that, I'm sorry to say it [this way], matter so much more to so many more right now.

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