(Forgive the lame pun, it was not intended... or was it?)
So as I said before, I want to continue the previous topic... I guess my new job has made me a little more impulsive than usual, but a few weeks ago I decided to join a new website... Tickle is gone, and this site has really interesting quizzes (and the only way to save your answers, is, duh, to sign up for the site!) I kind of forgot that the site is also [cough & blush] a dating site... Needless to say, I freaked out for the first few hours, but made sure to list that I was just there for the quizzes & maybe make a few new FRIENDS. It's been what, a few weeks tops, and I have at least 4 AIM screennames, 30 personal messages, a bunch of "winks," too many hits to keep track of, and apparently the site says that my quiz answers have "caused a commotion in the system" and I'm popular (though I'm sure that's just a marketing statement... ha! me, popular! & on a "dating site"...). Though (yay, ego boost!) 6 guys (most of them quite cute ^^") rated me as a 4 or 5 (out of 5) [pats self on back - good photography & random 3-am profile!] Enough about me though, back to the topic! (Oh, 1 more thing - enough of the 38-yr olds! EW! Old enough to be my father- I don't even want to think about that....)
So anyway, today I wanted to cover 3 topics - internet dating, v-cards, and fetishes. Yea, I know, HUGE jump from last week, but it's come up more than a few times in the past month, so... here we go!
So has anyone read the latest Cosmo??? The one with VIRGINS IN COSMO! on the cover? Guess which article I want to talk about... As I was reading through, I was kind of insulted by the way it was initially presented - in huge letters "VIRGINS IN COSMO! (We thought this day would never come!)" like it's something so rare (well, ok, it is. 20% of college graduates, by the stats listed in the article. But 20% is still a lot!) and mysterious.What's so horriffic about being a virgin at my age? Yes, it's rare nowadays, but what's so wrong about it that Cosmo has to pick on us? The first few paragraphs really made it seem like there's something wrong with it, like virgins shouldn't be reading Cosmo - until I continued reading. The article is an interesting read, and I'm actually glad they brought it up. In America, it really is rare to find virgins over the age of 19, even in many religious communities. Sex partners are so (well...) easily accessible, that anyone can get what they want. Abstaining is a choice, not an expectation or something to be frowned upon. (Yes, even "unattractive" people can "get laid," so quit your moping and find yourself some company if you want it!) For something still so taboo, sex has become such a major facet of our society- how we dress, how we interact, the foods we choose to eat, in our music/TV/books-- that sometimes we don't even notice it.
Most people are aware that, out of all of my female friends, I'm the last with a v-card and not likely to lose it anytime soon. Why? I'm not in the least bit religious, so scratch that out. I don't care either way about "waiting til marriage." I'm basically a (slightly more conservative) hippie - peace, free love, & all that jazz. And contrary to popular belief, I'm not a total prude (nor am I gay. Just putting that out there... since so many people, including my mother, seem to think otherwise -_-". Like I've said before, yuri just doesn't cut it for me.). So what sets me apart from everyone else?
I couldn't explain it at the time, but it really bothered me to be the last. I was worried that it would be like the dating conversations, where I would just be insanely annoyed, left out, or pressured to do the same. I wasn't planning on joining them any time soon, and I'm not really one to give into peer pressure. I figured I would simply be left out of conversations and activities - again. When talking with a liberal guy friend, I realized that I was just worried about what they would think about me. It was like high school all over again for me- I hadn't dealt with how I felt about it then, so I didn't know how to deal with it now (damn you psychology...).
Sometime a while back, two of my guy friends and I were talking about all of this. I consider them both to be really close friends, and we talk about a lot of things, so it wasn't too awkward to discuss this for once. One is really conservative, but I know that he's dated a few girls before. The other is pretty liberal, but also a v-card holder. When talking to the guys, I wasn't all too surprised to hear that they both had similar but completely opposite answers. Liberal guy is looking forward to it, conservative guy doesn't care either way. But overall, we kind of feel the same way. Like most of the girls interviewed in the Cosmo article, we're waiting for someone we think is worth it. I don't think it's all that special of an experience, but I would still rather experience it with someone I like and trust than some random, dirty guy I'll never talk to again. (Sorry, Virgo = germaphobe... Other people are dirty... Blech...) I don't want to regret it, or "get it over with," or whatever. It doesn't matter enough to me to have to think of it in that way, nor do I feel like it's something I "need to have" to be happy. I have more self-control than that-- though this is why I was so bothered to hear about everyone else. We were raised in similar circumstances, for the most part, and it's not like I've never been in a situation that would've lead to... [coughs - though I guess technically ANY situation can lead to sex... but again, self-control!] If I have self control, does that mean they don't? I don't know how to answer that...
Most people are surprised to learn that, although I'm a virgin, I'm into light BDSM (Wikipedia!) and will freely admit to that (LOL... Yes, virgins can have fetishes too! We may not always know for sure until we try it out, but I t believe it's important to have an opinion of such things BEFORE you get into those situations. I think the idea of it just sounds amusing... I must've been kidnapped as a child, haha. Damn you, Freud.) So what about other fetishes? What comes to mind when you hear the word? Chains? Schoolgirls? Defecation? Yea, not a big fan of that last one... But if someone suggested it to you, does that really make them a freak? In the psych world, many fetishes (or paraphilia, as they are known in the DSM), are considered to be serious disorders, requiring treatment (and let's just say you don't want to know what kind of treatment. Guys, please go cringe in a corner so the girls can talk... Believe me, you'll be grateful.) Then again, half the "disorders" in the DSM were made up by a bunch of old guys who tortured children and monkeys for a living, or were seriously fucked up in the head and thought everyone was like that. What was I talking about again?
Oh, right. It's interesting that these are considered to be "perversions," still considered immoral even in today's (more) liberal society. See the problem with that statement, though? "Immoral" - yes, many people are religious, but who the fuck gave them the right to judge others? If you're religious, you'd know that God/Allah/whomever-you-believe-in is the only one with that power.
Many types of fetish play sites and pornographies have been banned or discounted because they are thought to "normalize violence," especially against women. First of all, violence, unfortunately, is normal for most of us. Yes, some people are stupid enough to imitate what they see on TV. But here's the thing - serial killers and rapists aren't doing it for the sex. It's power and control that they seek. Stupid people who do it generally have some sort of mental issue to begin with. And it's possible that those who seek out violent porn have issues to begin with. Or not. Either way, limiting access to it and calling fetishists "perverts" isn't going to solve anything. Some people will get their fix any way they can, and if doing it in real life is what it takes, then... bring on the internet porn.
Anyway, whether you're into fetishes or not, at least respect others' interests. So your new guy is into furries. (Good luck with that!) Well, you'll never know until you try, right? As long as it's consentual (including rape-play! Even though that kind of defeats the purpose, lol...) then as far as I care, anything goes.
Ok, so I'm all over the place right now. I've been trapped in the world of Wikipedia for I don't even know how long, but I found something very interesting for my next post... I'm sure you'll find it amusing!
Friday, June 26, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Confession Time - Gomen Nasai!
Confession time. Since honesty is something EXTREMELY important to me, I think it's time I cleared up a few things... I doubt this will make me or any of you feel any better (if anything, it'll just make me more anxious than usual-- which seems impossible, but who knows...) but I figured I should... (I wish I could say I'm wasted out of my mind, but we all know that would be a lie... So... Let's go with it anyway before I change my mind...)
So, sorry for another personal post... The next will be real, I swear.
Sorry:
@MN23 - I lied. For years... It's nothing major I suppose... I told you someday I would tell you what I lied about, so here it is. I realized (a few weeks ago! randomly...) that you thought he liked me but that I didn't like him back. I really thought you knew. I don't know if he knew (EVERYONE else knew... -_-" hence why I said I must've been a complete ditz... people who didn't know me knew... mostly his fault for things he did in class, I'm sure, but... gah...), but I really REALLY liked him back then... (It's kind of scary now that I think of it. Over the top, head-over-heels, ditzy... Kind of disgusting when I read my "diary", but it was a fun high while it lasted... like that glue that day at drama ^^") It's probably the one thing I regret most - not telling him, or anyone else for that matter- because I knew, for a while at least, it hurt him. That day at SF, I lied to you & Kerri in the bathroom too... & I was thinking of telling him that night, when we ran away, until... haha, I was so mad at you for that, back then... and for any other time you showed up or interfered... Every time I was about to say something, someone interrupted or the timing got all messed up... Plus, at one point (sometime around the summer after junior year... long story...) I didn't even know if he still liked me, plus I had no idea what I was doing & I was starting to get over it (especially once the little froshies got involved...) & ... (gah.. actually there's so much I've wanted to tell you, most not related to high school in particular, but here is definitely not the place...though apparently you knew certain things? Or I thought you knew... Though perhaps you know what I still don't...) Here we are today, huh... I just hate not knowing what would've happened if I hadn't listened to the "rules," or if I had the fucking guts to just say something... And I hate that people, including you, lied to me (lies of omission count too!). I was more upset about that than anything. Why can't I trust the only people I have left to trust? And why should everyone else get to break "the rules" when they're the ones enforcing them? Then I get pissed off because I feel so stupid for ever caring or thinking I... I dunno. I just wonder if I'll always be a stepping stone. (Or if I wasn't completely delusional back then... because that could mean I'm schizophrenic... and if I am, now is sooo the time to know...)
(Thank you, loving parents, for this wonderful inferiority complex, which would not be possible without your 21 years of negative comments and rejection... It's not my fault I exist, now is it. Sorry for the "analytical mind" that you hate so much.)
@EA - hm... I think there's a long list of things I'm sorry about, and I'm pretty sure you know them all. So, sorry in advance if I do any more stupid things...
@ _____ - I'm sorry I couldn't say it when you needed me to. I still do sometimes. I pushed you away so many times, even though I didn't want to. You were my first, but I don't want you to be my last, so... I'm really sorry... Now, I just want to forget you and move on.
@ Everyone else- Gomen nasai [bows]...
Forgive me, as I do you -
@MN23 - I can't say I'm completely over it. It really made me question your loyalty... that video especially. How much can I trust someone who will share my darkest secrets with anyone and everyone? (I never fully explained why I sent that email anyway... Let's just say it's something you don't want to know about, but should NEVER have been advertised, despite that one sentence...) Sometimes I wonder how and why things got this way, why we've even made it this far, despite all signs (a.k.a. EVERYONE) saying we should've ended it years ago. Just part of growing up, I guess. Either way, it's been16 years since we first met. I'm still trying, so I hope you are too. Here's to the years to come. Love you.
@EA - In the past few years, you've said some pretty mean things (and you know it! lol...) but that's just part of why I love you, nee-chan. Brutally honest (though sometimes you were wrong... just putting that out there lol...). Here's to 1 last, awesome semester (just a warning, I will be BAWLING in December. Be prepared...)
@ the many "men" in my life - So... Fine. We can't help who we fall in love with (though I still highly doubt any of you "love" the women you chose, especially not more than those you gave up), so for that, I will forgive you. However, you're still on my shitlist [raspberry].
To anyone else - the past is past, ok? Clean slates all around. (yes, I don't care that this is mid-year, what better time than the present...)
Anyway, as promised, next post - sex & fetishes, internet dating, & that damn Cosmo article!
So, sorry for another personal post... The next will be real, I swear.
Sorry:
@MN23 - I lied. For years... It's nothing major I suppose... I told you someday I would tell you what I lied about, so here it is. I realized (a few weeks ago! randomly...) that you thought he liked me but that I didn't like him back. I really thought you knew. I don't know if he knew (EVERYONE else knew... -_-" hence why I said I must've been a complete ditz... people who didn't know me knew... mostly his fault for things he did in class, I'm sure, but... gah...), but I really REALLY liked him back then... (It's kind of scary now that I think of it. Over the top, head-over-heels, ditzy... Kind of disgusting when I read my "diary", but it was a fun high while it lasted... like that glue that day at drama ^^") It's probably the one thing I regret most - not telling him, or anyone else for that matter- because I knew, for a while at least, it hurt him. That day at SF, I lied to you & Kerri in the bathroom too... & I was thinking of telling him that night, when we ran away, until... haha, I was so mad at you for that, back then... and for any other time you showed up or interfered... Every time I was about to say something, someone interrupted or the timing got all messed up... Plus, at one point (sometime around the summer after junior year... long story...) I didn't even know if he still liked me, plus I had no idea what I was doing & I was starting to get over it (especially once the little froshies got involved...) & ... (gah.. actually there's so much I've wanted to tell you, most not related to high school in particular, but here is definitely not the place...though apparently you knew certain things? Or I thought you knew... Though perhaps you know what I still don't...) Here we are today, huh... I just hate not knowing what would've happened if I hadn't listened to the "rules," or if I had the fucking guts to just say something... And I hate that people, including you, lied to me (lies of omission count too!). I was more upset about that than anything. Why can't I trust the only people I have left to trust? And why should everyone else get to break "the rules" when they're the ones enforcing them? Then I get pissed off because I feel so stupid for ever caring or thinking I... I dunno. I just wonder if I'll always be a stepping stone. (Or if I wasn't completely delusional back then... because that could mean I'm schizophrenic... and if I am, now is sooo the time to know...)
(Thank you, loving parents, for this wonderful inferiority complex, which would not be possible without your 21 years of negative comments and rejection... It's not my fault I exist, now is it. Sorry for the "analytical mind" that you hate so much.)
@EA - hm... I think there's a long list of things I'm sorry about, and I'm pretty sure you know them all. So, sorry in advance if I do any more stupid things...
@ _____ - I'm sorry I couldn't say it when you needed me to. I still do sometimes. I pushed you away so many times, even though I didn't want to. You were my first, but I don't want you to be my last, so... I'm really sorry... Now, I just want to forget you and move on.
@ Everyone else- Gomen nasai [bows]...
Forgive me, as I do you -
@MN23 - I can't say I'm completely over it. It really made me question your loyalty... that video especially. How much can I trust someone who will share my darkest secrets with anyone and everyone? (I never fully explained why I sent that email anyway... Let's just say it's something you don't want to know about, but should NEVER have been advertised, despite that one sentence...) Sometimes I wonder how and why things got this way, why we've even made it this far, despite all signs (a.k.a. EVERYONE) saying we should've ended it years ago. Just part of growing up, I guess. Either way, it's been16 years since we first met. I'm still trying, so I hope you are too. Here's to the years to come. Love you.
@EA - In the past few years, you've said some pretty mean things (and you know it! lol...) but that's just part of why I love you, nee-chan. Brutally honest (though sometimes you were wrong... just putting that out there lol...). Here's to 1 last, awesome semester (just a warning, I will be BAWLING in December. Be prepared...)
@ the many "men" in my life - So... Fine. We can't help who we fall in love with (though I still highly doubt any of you "love" the women you chose, especially not more than those you gave up), so for that, I will forgive you. However, you're still on my shitlist [raspberry].
To anyone else - the past is past, ok? Clean slates all around. (yes, I don't care that this is mid-year, what better time than the present...)
Anyway, as promised, next post - sex & fetishes, internet dating, & that damn Cosmo article!
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