Sunday, June 21, 2009

Confession Time - Gomen Nasai!

Confession time. Since honesty is something EXTREMELY important to me, I think it's time I cleared up a few things... I doubt this will make me or any of you feel any better (if anything, it'll just make me more anxious than usual-- which seems impossible, but who knows...) but I figured I should... (I wish I could say I'm wasted out of my mind, but we all know that would be a lie... So... Let's go with it anyway before I change my mind...)

So, sorry for another personal post... The next will be real, I swear.


@MN23 - I lied. For years... It's nothing major I suppose... I told you someday I would tell you what I lied about, so here it is. I realized (a few weeks ago! randomly...) that you thought he liked me but that I didn't like him back. I really thought you knew. I don't know if he knew (EVERYONE else knew... -_-" hence why I said I must've been a complete ditz... people who didn't know me knew... mostly his fault for things he did in class, I'm sure, but... gah...), but I really REALLY liked him back then... (It's kind of scary now that I think of it. Over the top, head-over-heels, ditzy... Kind of disgusting when I read my "diary", but it was a fun high while it lasted... like that glue that day at drama ^^") It's probably the one thing I regret most - not telling him, or anyone else for that matter- because I knew, for a while at least, it hurt him. That day at SF, I lied to you & Kerri in the bathroom too... & I was thinking of telling him that night, when we ran away, until... haha, I was so mad at you for that, back then... and for any other time you showed up or interfered... Every time I was about to say something, someone interrupted or the timing got all messed up... Plus, at one point (sometime around the summer after junior year... long story...) I didn't even know if he still liked me, plus I had no idea what I was doing & I was starting to get over it (especially once the little froshies got involved...) & ... (gah.. actually there's so much I've wanted to tell you, most not related to high school in particular, but here is definitely not the place...though apparently you knew certain things? Or I thought you knew... Though perhaps you know what I still don't...) Here we are today, huh... I just hate not knowing what would've happened if I hadn't listened to the "rules," or if I had the fucking guts to just say something... And I hate that people, including you, lied to me (lies of omission count too!). I was more upset about that than anything. Why can't I trust the only people I have left to trust? And why should everyone else get to break "the rules" when they're the ones enforcing them? Then I get pissed off because I feel so stupid for ever caring or thinking I... I dunno. I just wonder if I'll always be a stepping stone. (Or if I wasn't completely delusional back then... because that could mean I'm schizophrenic... and if I am, now is sooo the time to know...)

(Thank you, loving parents, for this wonderful inferiority complex, which would not be possible without your 21 years of negative comments and rejection... It's not my fault I exist, now is it. Sorry for the "analytical mind" that you hate so much.)

@EA - hm... I think there's a long list of things I'm sorry about, and I'm pretty sure you know them all. So, sorry in advance if I do any more stupid things...

@ _____ - I'm sorry I couldn't say it when you needed me to. I still do sometimes. I pushed you away so many times, even though I didn't want to. You were my first, but I don't want you to be my last, so... I'm really sorry... Now, I just want to forget you and move on.

@ Everyone else- Gomen nasai [bows]...

Forgive me, as I do you -

@MN23 - I can't say I'm completely over it. It really made me question your loyalty... that video especially. How much can I trust someone who will share my darkest secrets with anyone and everyone? (I never fully explained why I sent that email anyway... Let's just say it's something you don't want to know about, but should NEVER have been advertised, despite that one sentence...) Sometimes I wonder how and why things got this way, why we've even made it this far, despite all signs (a.k.a. EVERYONE) saying we should've ended it years ago. Just part of growing up, I guess. Either way, it's been16 years since we first met. I'm still trying, so I hope you are too. Here's to the years to come. Love you.

@EA - In the past few years, you've said some pretty mean things (and you know it! lol...) but that's just part of why I love you, nee-chan. Brutally honest (though sometimes you were wrong... just putting that out there lol...). Here's to 1 last, awesome semester (just a warning, I will be BAWLING in December. Be prepared...)

@ the many "men" in my life - So... Fine. We can't help who we fall in love with (though I still highly doubt any of you "love" the women you chose, especially not more than those you gave up), so for that, I will forgive you. However, you're still on my shitlist [raspberry].

To anyone else - the past is past, ok? Clean slates all around. (yes, I don't care that this is mid-year, what better time than the present...)

Anyway, as promised, next post - sex & fetishes, internet dating, & that damn Cosmo article!

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