Sunday, March 31, 2013


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Personal things. Incredibly personal things. I'd typically keep this to a private blog, but I think I should just... It's always been one of those things where I'd have to say it in order for people to know (and even then, they'd still doubt me and tell me I'm lying or just trying to be special...)

It's well after dark, and that means I should be sleeping - because my thoughts get far too dangerous and it's just safer if I'm asleep. But I can't sleep. I can't stop worrying, about nothing at all. I was in the process of finding another therapist, but now I'm worrying about money and whether I can really afford it, and if I'll stick with it this time or... I just hate everything and I don't want to do this anymore. Life. I've gone on a Tumblr hiatus because that site drives me crazy and I keep finding myself in "fights" with people I don't even like that much. I mean, I have my friends and other mutual followers, but apparently my "radical" side is showing and other people don't like it and it usually blows up in one way or another and ends up triggering the fuck out of me. And since I'm in SI recovery again (and actually sticking to it hey look at that 119 days), and work is worse than ever, my stress levels are just completely unmanageable and I frequently end up having full blown anxiety attacks or lie in bed crying and nothing seems to go right. I don't think it's been this bad since high school... Though the past few years have been exceptionally rough for me. I feel like the only thing going right in my life right now is my girlfriend and I already worry enough about fucking that up. LDRs are complicated enough as it is but omg she is so wonderful and so good to me and I don't think I deserve her.

I can't remember if I was ever actually happy or if I just learned how to ignore feeling this way. But I need to do something and soon. Even if it's just making my thoughts public tonight.

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