Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Life and Other Things. (Trigger Warning - see below for details)

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This contains sensitive and personal subjects, including but not limited to suicide and self harm, and may be triggering. Proceed with caution.

So maybe you've been wondering where I've been lately. Not likely, but it's an option. I'm just... physically and emotionally drained right now. I've had a few slip ups recently. Nothing I want to talk about, but the anxiety and panic and everything have been bad lately due to new job and from being around my mother so much, so I've been hiding in Drarry and Tumblr for the most part. Also, my power adapter for my laptop broke, so for a while I haven't been able to use my laptop. And when I can't use my laptop, there's no way to ward off the panic attacks. But now I can, so... I'll try to be around when I feel like it.

Aside from that... The theme of the month seems to be suicide again, and... it's kind of hard to deal, but it's not like I can even really talk to anyone about it right now because... Well, I just can't. Though I suppose my wifey would understand... (Oh look, she sent me a message... aiuhspfashdfs gah i love this girl. Having an internet waifu is probably the greatest thing ever, especially when that person is the fucking greatest ever.... but anyway. Back on topic. Because this is a serious topic... and the fast I get through it, the faster I can try to get some rest, because I'm really going to need it.)

Jamey.. Jamey Rodemeyer.  RIP. Just nine days after he made an It Gets Better video, he... He was bullied. Even after his death, the bullies said such hateful things... why are people so awful...

This past Saturday, the Pirates had a bit of a crisis... One of our friends made a post on her blog about suicide and then logged out. I saw that post about 15 minutes after it was published, and from that point on it escalated into full on panic... Long story short, we stayed up til about 4 am EST just trying to find where she lived and trying to get the police to her house. She's alive, and in therapy now. She was fine. She attempted it but lived, and we are so, so freakin happy... and so proud of our Pirate family for banding together and doing everything we could to protect one of our own. We even got her favorite celebrity to send her a message of support... He's an amazing guy... We love him to pieces, and he actually cares about us. So we're all glad she's safe and the Pirates are enjoying life...

But I also have another friend... someone I've been talking to for a few months now. And she and I have been talking about things like this for a while too. She gets it, like none of my other friends can. And I get it, because I live it too. We haven't been through the same things, or even to the same magnitude I suppose; but if you've never done it, it's hard to understand. If you've never felt this way, it's hard to fully comprehend how or why someone does. But things have been pretty bad for her in the past few weeks, including a voluntary trip to the emergency room, and I'm really concerned. She confessed to me a few days ago that if the new therapy doesn't work, she plans on killing herself. And she's been cutting again... deep. And I'm just so fucking scared... I've been staying up late to talk with her, just trying to... I don't know. Convince her to hold on. Convince her that she should focus on making the therapy work instead of preparing for if/when it doesn't fix everything immediately... Trying to just be there. She said she called the national suicide hotline last night... I'm just so fucking scared that I'll wake up and she won't be here anymore. I don't know too much about her in terms of where she lives or even her full name or anything like that. I'm trying to find out what I can, just in case... I'm hoping it never comes to that. I'm just hoping that if something happens, she texts me. (And I'm hoping that nothing ever happens.) Maybe then I can do something more... I'm scared this isn't enough. And of course it isn't... I know that. I'm not stupid enough to think I can fix everyone's problems, or that I should even really try to. I can only be there for people. But even that... I can't even do that well.

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