Monday, August 23, 2010

Recapping & Updates - Taking a Break from life.

Thought I would share some personal stuff tonight. I'm done with politics for a while... (Easier said than done...) It's just too stressful. It's directly related to my "career goals" if you can call them that, but tonight, it's just me.

I've been feeling pretty crappy lately. There have been a lot of things going on in my life... serious money issues, losing really close friends, making a few new ones, questioning anything and everything about myself and the people around me. My family is always going through one thing or another, and life in general always seems to be more complicated than it needs to be.

You'll notice I didn't include a proper profile of myself here, other than my very first post... I will, eventually. I can't believe it's been over a year since I've started this, over 100 posts... and so much has changed, hasn't it?

Personal info: I'm a 21 yr old multi-ethnic female, almost 22. I identify as mostly heterosexual (but that is slowly changing...). I've said it before, I don't care enough either way. I'm getting kind of active in the GLBT activism scene, I've been to a pride parade & gay clubs & forums [without realizing ^^" I can be pretty dense about some kinds of things], but I don't really feel like I belong there yet... for now, I'm an ally. For the majority of my life, I've been a cross between a tomboy and a girly-girl-- my dad always wanted a son, and my mom loves girly things. At one point, I made it a goal to become more androgynous. I'd say I've pretty much achieved that overall. But I sometimes feel like I'm living a double life...

I have a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, with a minor in Sociology (just a thesis away from a second major, apparently. But I didn't really notice the reality of that until I graduated. I was doing everything I could to avoid the thesis class...) I've never been in a real relationship, because a) every time I got close to someone, I couldn't admit how I felt or I was too shy/lacked confidence to take it further; b) I'm extremely picky about who I associate with, & I won't hesitate to stop talking to someone if I feel like they're being an ass (last guy I ever considered dating wouldn't stop asking "inappropriate" things after I asked him repeatedly to stop. That was the last straw...); c) I'm not entirely sure what I want anymore. I don't think I want to get married, and I don't know that I could deal with the whole process of meeting & breaking up (because, let's face it, over 50% of all marriages end in divorce, & I don't even want to think about the statistics of all other relationships. No one likes breakups, but they tend to hit me particularly hard). I've said it before, if it were that easy to meet people and start a relationship without that awkward "getting to know you" dating phase...

I might have mentioned that I've been dealing with depression since I was 12-ish. Too many reasons why. Very little has changed there, but I guess the time between major episodes is getting longer, which is a good thing. I've gone at least a full year without cutting. (Though honestly, I'm not sure why I ever started. I guess I felt like I deserved the pain.) I think I've hit the "quarter-life crisis." I swore to live my life with no regrets, but I haven't really kept that promise. Most days, I hate my life. But I'm lucky enough to a have a few really great friends (though unfortunately most of them don't live in the same state...) I have a job that's... well, I have a job. I seriously need to start looking for a new one, but it's so depressing to think about. I wish I were going to grad school, but I don't have any money. I wish I could move out of this house, but again, I don't have any money. I'm ready to make a lot of major changes in my life... including a move to D.C., once I can figure out how to afford it. If I want a job in public policy & advocacy, there's no better place to do it.

Still a vegetarian who rambles and enjoys a good rant, but I rarely touch my guitar or pick up a novel nowadays. I just don't feel like it anymore... Probably just the depression, but I would like to write a song again one of these days. I'm still a complete geek however. I have unfortunately joined the ranks of iphone owners, but I miss my blackberry... I haven't messed with Linux in a while, but my old Dell is about to become a test laptop for an Ubuntu dual boot... plus I have a "tower" of monitors & towers in my room, so eventually I'll get around to messing with that once I can get into the dam Bios (I don't know why, but I can't get in. It's an insanely old system and none of the usual tricks work.) I wasn't able to do Otakon this year, and honestly I wasn't sure I'd be comfortable going after all that's happened in the past few months, but next year is in the works.

I very rarely say anything when something's bothering me. This often leads me to eventually blow up or break down (as you may have seen here... I think that was a little immature of me to some extent, and even though I stand by what I said, it's a little embarrassing now... but I've been assured by several people that I didn't do/say anything I shouldn't have). That's part of why I started this blog. I may be a quiet person, but I have a lot to say, and sometimes I want feedback, or just to know that someone hears me and gets it. I needed a new outlet. I have several blogs & journals actually, but this is the only one that's truly public. The others are very personal, and one is completely private.

As for this blog... as with all of my blogs & journals & diaries, I tend to go back to the beginning & reread things... I know I've mentioned this before. It's kind of like watching myself grow up, or in this case, become more (openly) liberal lol. (Do liberals get a closet? Do we get, like, patchouli and soy lattes & shit while we're waiting to tell everyone we're bleeding-heart, knee-jerk liberals? Because I'll go back in... :-D Ok, looks like I feel a little better now...) Though in terms of the country, I'd be more than satisfied with a less centralized, more effective, middle-of-the-road government. I am a socialist (though I think some tenets of communism make much more sense), a bit of a utilitarian, but I prefer all things in moderation. A mixed economy works best. And ideally, we'd have free and fair trade; but until then, fair trade is more important... Oh wait, didn't I say no politics tonight? Sorry...

I got drunk for the first time ever Saturday night. (I've been tipsy before, but NEVER like that... Apparently I'm not so quiet anymore.) I usually can't stand being around people who drink just for the sake of getting drunk. Though I think now I understand why some of them do it... Overall, it wasn't a bad feeling, but I didn't feel safe, even when surrounded by good friends. So it probably won't happen again.

I guess sometimes I just have to remind myself of who I am, where I've been, & what I'm capable of doing. The hardest things to do in life seem like nothing right now... Because this is the second time I've lost someone I loved. (Though this time, I'm 98.34% sure it was strictly platonic.) As mad as I've been, and as much as I shouldn't, I still miss you :-(

No comments: