Mixed Feelings, Very Random Thoughts... Just Letting the Fever do the Talking.

Ok, so I feel somewhat better after that rant. I've had a fever all day, thanks to my incredibly sick siblings, so I've been all over the place. It wasn't so bad. Mixed feelings all around though, for the past few days. (Mostly due to job, and fact that I really really really would rather be doing volunteer work in some third-world country... Is it weird that I run in circles to get to where I want to be? Don't ask, that makes sense in my mind lol...). There is a point and purpose to every single thing I do and say, even if you don't understand. If it weren't someone I know/thought I knew, I would never have lashed out like that; but you know what, I've held back for long enough (what, I'm not sure anymore, as it's all become a blur today...) and this person has worn my patience so very thin... I'm just so very frustrated... I don't remember why though, so it couldn't have been that important. Somehow, I can't understand why I can have a hard time making friends but intentionally losing friends is harder on so many levels.

I had an announcement to make as well, but I don't know that I should. I've been thinking a lot over the past few months about who I am as a person, what I want out of life... Whether or not I want to get married & have kids... That's what graduation does to you, I suppose... It's really over, isn't it... And I realized for the first time in January when I joined the Care2 community that I finally felt like myself again. I know what I love and where I want to end up... I finally found people who think and feel like I do... I felt like I could just live (provided things worked out financially... which is terrifying still, but someday I will pay off all of my loans and finally live the way I've always dreamed...) Do you have any idea how long I've waited for that moment? How it felt to finally belong somewhere without having to change who I am or lie or pretend to be ok with things and people I don't like? In my 21.75 years of life, I have waited and searched... I never really fit in anywhere... and that was ok, because I've never been like everyone else anyway. To be whomever I want to be... After making a few posts in a private blog I've basically used as a diary since sophomore year of high school (as anything before that will be destroyed... how dreadfully embarrassing lol), I decided to flip through it again... It's so interesting... (Yes, I even turn myself into a psych project... because I can!) The week of graduation, "Will" told me that I've changed so much since we first met; I used to be so hardcore conservative, and now I'm so liberal... Yet he has no idea of just how drastic that change has been, and yet how much hasn't changed at all. Another friend who's only known me for about 2 years now said the same thing-- though technically she knew me as a "moderate" or centrist... I guess if you'd known me growing up, I'm a completely different person... (Unless you had read any one of my journals. Then it's kind of obvious what's going on...) But for the first time in a while, I like who I am again. Sure, I can be a total bitch sometimes, and I'm not really great at anything in particular, I can act pretentious and I'm severely introverted so it's like I'm naturally self-centered lol... I prefer to study people than to interact with them, and I have strong emotional responses to both external and internal stimuli that make me seem more than a little weird sometimes, I'm sure. I could spend hours just sitting around watching people live or analyzing what they're doing and why. I know because I've done it before. It's intriguing. I like being an atheist. Religions are interesting, but not for me. Pastafarianism is just plain hilariously fun and silly. I'm positive I have ADD. I think goldfish have an attention span longer than I do. I get bored easily. I'm relatively asexual. I just don't care. I have panic attacks that wake me up at night, but I can never remember why. I find it nearly impossible to say no, even when I know I should, and I can be stubborn and resistant and hold a grudge (sometimes). I worry about EVERYTHING. I worry that I worry too much. But I know who I am, I know what I like, and I'm ok with that. I've endured a lifetime of emotional abuse from both parents, a trend that seems unlikely to end, so this feeling now really means a lot to me. I've been bullied, beaten, suffocated and burned, but I'm still alive and I'm fighting back... I have friends who like me just the way I am, they're just as crazy as I am, and I love them dearly. We don't see each other often due to obvious physical limitations from living hundreds of miles away... My family is always changing. But that's life. (Whoa... could this be that thing they called self-esteem??? Cuz I don't remember what that's like...) I feel like I'm trying to make up for lost time... All I've ever wanted was the freedom to live my life the way I want to... I've spent my life in a prison.

 If I could pretend none of this ever happened, I think at this point I would, because it's just not worth it. (Though the adrenaline rush is AWESOME. I'm a junkie, whatever ^^") This always happens. Every time I think it's over and I can get on with my life... I think about something I should've said, or something comes up again. But life goes on. I can ignore, or I can instigate, or I can escalate, or...? I don't know what will happen next, and I don't care either. I'm riled up and ready to fight, to jump in and see where life takes me. Fuck plans. I've had my life planned out since I was 5. It's time for a change. (I'm becoming so much more aggressive lately... I think it's the politics, but it could just be that I'm finally standing up for myself nowadays. I'm more comfortable with being outgoing when I need to be. I can make phone calls now! You have no idea how big a deal that is...) The freedom I felt in Australia was just incredible... I could just hop on a plane and go anywhere, without fear of anything except the unusually high percentage of deadly creatures lurking about. I could stay in the ocean forever... (Damn you, BP!!! Though we're all at fault to some extent as well...) So maybe I'm acting like a snotty liberal elitist. I am well aware of that. It's intentional, thanks. It's fun. Whatever. I'm pissed off... even though I should ignore trolls, no matter their relation to me.

So BP's top kill failed, and the well will spill til August... [sigh] This cannot be happening... I know I'm an Earth sign, but I have a strong attachment to water, especially the ocean... I once spent Christmas just floating along... Best Christmas ever, except for that one time I got a surprise trip to Disney World.

Anyway, what I actually came here to post was a comment on Obama, about mixed feelings about how things are going. But somehow, I don't care anymore. It is what it is. I am what I am.