Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Dating Survey

Lol, ok, so I missed writing about things other than politics, and I've been meaning to finish a post on romance for like ever. (Please forgive this paragraph, I promise I won't be talking like this the whole time!) Before I delve into the specifics of the sex and dating survey I did last year, I thought I would try to answer some of those questions myself, since I chose not to formally submit my own survey...

- 21 yr old, Upper Middle Class, Multi-ethnic female, (mostly) heterosexual (to be honest, I score about a 2.5-3 on the Kinsey scale, actually... Right smack dab in the middle. Mostly because I don't really care, I'm just not that interested.) and not in a committed relationship.
- Currently single, & the line "she says she doesn't want a boyfriend; she's better off with friends" is exactly how I feel about that. Really wouldn't mind either way, but I'm just fine without one.)
- Not in a relationship of any sort Why? Because I tried getting into thinking about that whole "dating" thing, both offline and on, and it's just not for me. Couldn't stay interested long enough, and I guess I just don't like people. :-D (No, I'm just picky about who I associate with... I can tell within a minute or two of talking to someone whether or not we'll get along or if I want to get to know them. A lot of my closest friends are the same way... So very weird.)
- What is dating? Let's not go there again. I think it could be an event or a state/process. Just don't get me started on stupid societal norms... (I know, I know, there's a reason for it and all, but I don't see why there has to be so much pressure on people to date and get married... It's not that big of a deal anymore, being married or not... Oh look, I answered 3 more questions already.)

Alright, that's enough of that.

Those who know me may know 2 things about me- 1. I don't trust anyone; and 2. I don't want to fall in love. I'd say even fewer really know why. (Contrary to popular belief, it's not because of things that happened in the past. Well, not directly or entirely. Has some influence on how I go about things, but other than that, it doesn't mean anything anymore.) It's a combination of feelings for me, this "love" thing -- at first, happiness... then feeling so stupid for feeling happy or even having such thoughts... I've put so much emphasis on keeping my mind in control. It's complicated... I hear the songs and see the places that remind me of everything and anything, including recent experiences, media, and how I'm told things are "supposed" to be. And I don't know how to feel anymore. It's dizzying, like I don't know what to think or like anymore, because the confusion and feelings are so overwhelming that I get lost trying to fight back memories and impositions on the way I live my life. So yes, I resist "love" and things related to it (with the exception of infatuation... That never goes anywhere anyway.)
I've been reading all these stories over the years, in various books and manga. Though one particularly stood out to me... It was about two 15 yr olds, a boy and a girl, who grew up together. I'm sure you can guess where it was going. As I was reading, I couldn't help but think how awkward it must be - how awkward it was. To wake up one morning and the boy you always thought of as a brother suddenly looks... different. You're suddenly jealous when you see him talking to other girls, even though he's been friends with them as long as you have. Your hands accidentally brush together, and you both blush. Suddenly you care if he sees you in your bathing suit. Your parent's brush it off as "adolescence" and "teenage hormones." You don't know what it is. Your heart beats faster, your breath catches in your throat... It certainly seems like something weird is going on. Your friends tell it you it's just "love."

(EDIT: On second thought, I think it's best that this story dies tonight... Fate is scary as hell. I'd like for things like this to stop happening, thanks. The Cosmos likes to play cruel jokes on me...)

I've been told that love is not a feeling, but an action. I don't actually agree with that, to be honest. It's more of... an interpretation of feelings. I think it's about feelings of attachment and connection. I think that the things we do may be out of love, or because we love someone, but the actions themselves are not love. Expressions of love, but not love. Chemical changes in the brain cause various psychological and physiological reactions that we interpret as emotion. How we feel influences how we act. I said last time I discussed this stuff that I don't really believe in dating-- the initial stages, at least. It's not something I would be interested in pursuing at this time in my life... I guess it just doesn't seem as natural as relationships should be. I believe in logic and lust and attachment, not so much heart-throbbing passion. In evolution, there's no need for "love," so is it even real? Isn't it more likely to be an offshoot of lust, empathy, attachment? It's so confusing- both in definition and in experience.

It turns out, I'm not the only one who has trouble defining love or dating. The actual paper is insanely long, but I created a shorter version for you. If you participated, I want to thank you again for helping me out! It was really fun, actually... And learning about this side of my friends was quite interesting. We don't talk about these things often. So here they are, the results of my dating & sex survey! (If you want to download a copy, see me for a different link.)

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